Don't fear the specter by J. Ridewood

A specter is haunting my life - the specter of growing up. For the last few years, he has appeared to torment me and add inconvenience to my daily routine. He assumes control of my body and forces me into nasty habits and new responsibilities. After one of his visits, I started making my bed in the morning, an activity I formerly viewed as so purposeless that I could not comprehend why any reasonable, moderately busy human being would perform the chore regularly.
But now I like the way my bed looks made up, with the sheets tucked into the sides forming an alluring pocket for nestling purposes. All lame adults probably think the same thing before they climb into bed at night and resume thinking about bills or whatever other concerns they have.
(I also blame the specter for my sudden use of dental floss, the back pain that emerges after I play tennis and the boredom I now have playing video games.)
But while the specter's visits have been intermittent, my graduation in May has been an incessant reminder to grow up and settle into adulthood. This has not been a change I've welcomed. I wouldn't trade the subtle reassurance that comes from feeling like a child for all the sugar farms in Cuba. Acting mature and thinking long-term are things I usually do my best to avoid.
Graduating has almost been like driving into a brick wall at a high speed - only instead of losing a limb or two, I've lost my childhood. Forgetting the tragedy I've suffered, I wake up in the middle of the night confused that my childhood isn't with me. Once I remember I've graduated, I curse the gods for forsaking me and wonder what I could have done to prevent the accident.
Around my graduation, adults of all ages gave me bad advice when they should have been consoling me. "Plastics," I was told on numerous occasions, as if hadn't seen "The Graduate" 15 times.
I much preferred the "Graduate"-esque advice my friend's father, a geology professor, gave me. "Satellites," he said, making me feel like a science fiction version of Benjamin Braddock. But the only thing I've been able to do with his vague advice is spend the last three months wondering if I should start building my own satellite or get satellite television. Neither option seems very fruitful.
The worst advice I received was from someone in my family who compared joining the workforce to a marathon. I've struggled with this analogy. Pheidippides, who, according to legend, ran over 20 miles in one day to announce the Greek's victory over the Persians, died shortly after completing this inaugural marathon. So, using my family member's logic, is getting your first "real" job the beginning of a breakneck march toward death?
But my family member does have a point: Your first nine-to-five job marks your final ascension into adulthood, a marathon that may or may not end in death. Luckily (or strictly from a financial standpoint, unluckily), I've delayed my final ascension by being unable to find a job that makes use of my degree. I've sent out dozens of copies of my resume, secured a few interviews, shaken hands with many people I will never see again and smile until my jaw hurts. No dice. Still unemployed.
Adulthood is a much longer, significantly more difficult process than childhood, and I failed to understand that until recently. Going to college isn't a triumph - it is a fait accompli for many Gen Y'ers. I never doubted for a day in my life that I would go to college. I spent high school filling my time with countless college application-approved activities under the false pretense of getting into "the college of my first choice." My achievements were not always made for their own sake.
But these expectations have done nothing but create more expectations and kill my childhood wonder. As an adult, you have to start at the bottom and move your way up through hard work and luck. Then, when your hair has grayed and you can feign the appearance of someone who has wisdom to offer, you give cliched advice to your younger relatives that references movies from your youth. I can see myself now, asking my grandchildren or nephews if I have ever told them about how life is strikingly similar to a box of chocolates, forgetting in my old age that "Forrest Gump" is a schmaltzy, sentimental piece of crap.
I recently pinpointed the exact moment my childhood died. Early one morning, walking east down 21st Street near the Six Pack, I was returning library books before I was to take an LSAT practice test at Dobie. I had a headache from a lack of caffeine. The only things on my mind were my bank account and job prospects. A cherub-faced freshman in cargo shorts strolled past me with a dopey grin on his face. I envied him yet found myself unable to relate to his exhilaration. Then I noticed one of those signs that alerts drivers of their speed. No cars were on the road, so as I neared the sign, it flashed "0 MPH" in bright, neon-yellow lettering.
It's time to move on. I've become the specter that haunted me for so many years.

woo hoo!

got my first job that is not on-campus and not any odd and random jobs.
It's called Lab Specimen Processor.
Get to stay around the nurses and doctors in the clinic,
see how they treat illnesses and interpret x-rays and lab results.
Look at all the little kids that felt a little better with a piece of sticker.
so cute and this is a very accomplishing job.
there's also an area for promotion.
Promote to Lab assistant technician and Lab technician.
need to show more initiation and enthusiasm to get a promotion.
of course, those pay much better than the processor now. (:

ruined my week-long diet. lost 3 kg and gained it all back.
will start again next week, need more motivation.
read more about house buying, since no one wants to teach me, so i got to do it myself.
Olympics has taken its roll and the opening was a very impressive one.
China came in first in the 4x100 relay medley. surprise surprise.
it'll be Michael Phelps and Nara Torres later at 8:00am Beijing Time.
And weirdly, there's no separate time zones in China, even though it houses one third of the world's population. One time zone, One China. The only thing I can do is to pity those that have the sun rise at 8:00am and set at 11:00pm, built on the assumption that they don't like it.

two more school days and that's all for the summer semester.
more preparation for school in Fall and application for graduate school.
Need to study for GRE and read more about nutrition and cancer.
Return some books and take care of the maturing CD.

Observe the realty market and see the Austin Housing Plans.
Want to buy a house.
Maybe should do a full time job like Kimberlyn, earn her own money and buy her own car. Impressive woman, only a year older. What have I been doing? Should focus more on self-improvement and other more useful things.

(: well, see how the diet goes and everything else. Willing to give up dance finally and do some other stuff. Japanese is coming pretty well, i've started on French and will start on Spanish pretty soon in the holidays. Been walking dogs and brushing cats. Those cats can be mean.
Summer is hot and the weather is burning. clouds are there, but couldn't out beat the carbon dioxide. shall learn architecture a little bit to design and map my own house. I have one year to do that before we buy and own one ourselves.

chinghui

fingertips

When was the last time I looked into the sky?
What color is it?
Blue? Red? Orange? Or a slight tint of brown...?

What is the color of the grass?
Green? Brown? Or a light touch of yellow...?

Is there wind in the summer heat of Texas?
Did I feel it when it came pass?
Do the birds on the trees chirp anymore?
Did I hear them when they called for me?

hmmm...

Recently,
All I heard was the missile testings in Iraq,
the release of hostages from Cuba,
the air pollution in Beijing,
the deadly epidemy of tomatoes
and the debating divorce of A. Rod and his dear wife.

I could hardly lay my eyes on the grass anymore
nor the sky
nor feel the wind.
Did something just get me on my nerves and shut some aspects on me down?

hmmm...

The last thing I remembered was the principles of X-ray spectroscopy.
SIMS, XPS, XRF... surface or not a surface technique.
Those big nouns and abbreviation rose a surge of curiosity,
a whole lot of it, but none in which I can find comfort.

But I do remember something about the sky.
The warm and snuggly sensation,
feels like a cat's belly fur.
Soft, not cold, and cozy.

So what is the color of the sky again?
Let me think... I'm thinking real hard right now...
Oh ya, it's blue with some white things in it..
What are those? Cloth? Cotton? Or bunny furs?
Oh, I remember! C-L-O-U-D, that's how you spell it right?
I think I need to revise my life terms one more time. Before I lose them again in the mazes towards the better.

何謂...

第一,何謂實.
第二,何謂虛.
第三,何謂戀.
第四,何謂離.

生離死別為何如此傷感
全都得歸於熟悉的溫柔
熟悉的手是如此的溫暖,
能毫無費力的穿刺你我的心.
它的穿透力是你連在意識當前都無法緊握的.

熟悉..真的太恐怖了.
有如習慣,
其實他們都一樣.
把你胸前的翅膀牢牢扣著,讓你無法飛翔,無法動彈.
怎麼辦,沒怎麼辦.
你能選擇的只有兩條路,
要不你用自己的爪子把胸前的翅膀撕下一大塊,
然後向上天祈禱,保佑你的傷口能在你飛翔的時候儘快復原,
保佑翅膀上的疤痕會被將長出來的羽毛好好遮蓋.
不然你能選擇另一個出口,乖乖的待在熟悉的框框裡,
假裝自己是隻鴕鳥,
一生注定有雙不能飛的翅膀,
呆呆的看著天空裡的飛鳥,不高興,不爽的時候就跺腳,傷心的時候就埋頭吃沙.


家裡的三隻貓貓被帶回shelter了.
好不容易跟它們混熟了,現在又被分開了.
心裡當然有很多的不捨.
畢竟那三隻寶貝是我跟哥第一次自己養的寵物,第一次如此細心照顧的貓貓.
哥也由此機會對貓貓完全改觀.
貓貓們,要加油.好好的表現,希望你們能夠有個好主人.
愛你們唷.

媽媽留.

2008年

久違的感動,
將降臨2008年.

久違的心動,
將我帶進了新的一年.

久違的激動,
為我劃開了遮廉.

久違的戀愛,
再次打開了新的一頁.

噗噗噗.
讓我偷笑一下.
好久沒有偷笑了,
好久好就沒有因為戀愛而偷笑了

加油各位
今年也請多多指教. (:

學期結束!

秋的學期終於結束了.
成績還是和往常一樣,都還是考得很理想.
但是, 這個學期好像都沒有甚麼大目標
像是跳舞阿,運動啊...
今天在網上又看到了Polina Semionova的MV,
又被她帶回了之前的感動
以前還在跳舞的時候
每天拼了命看表演
從早到晚的不停練舞
現在連出門都懶得出
煮飯都懶得煮
搖身一變
便成了超級大宅女.噗!

有的時候
我都會做做白日夢
夢到我在VJ,
在VJ的舞蹈社(在我到美國之前,我已經被VJC錄取了）
和朋友們練舞
在一個名師Zaki的指導下
舞技慢慢的進步
那時候
可能也不會跟初戀分手了
哈哈

我真的覺得Zaki好厲害喔
如果你仔細的看他編排的舞蹈
和他的音樂運用
你會發現他有一對超級厲害的耳朵
像是VJC,SAJC,TJC他們的舞蹈
常常用來參賽的音樂都是以伴奏為大多
而且每一首曲子
裡頭都採用到最少三種樂器
音樂裡的襯次感隨著劇情的變化
隨意交錯
但是編排的舞蹈卻毫不凌亂
沒有什麼大錯誤可讓人挑剔
加上
各校的舞者統統都有舞蹈基礎
都跳得很賣力
很棒！

真希望我能靠自己的力量
把現在正邋遢的自己從心整理整理
老天啊！給我一點力量吧！
把我在變回之前的舞者吧！

無形的信

至到今天
我才知道為何自己不對外開放心懷
明明已枯謝的愛情
我還抱著一份不肯放開的期待
面對著那已經凋謝的花兒
不停不停的施肥, 澆水, 疼愛
單相思的希望它會再次結出花苗

明明知道的
我是知道的
但
頑故的心始終放不下那段被迫韌斷的情感
自從遇到分叉路的那一天
我們開始各走各的
答應彼此不再回頭
不再想念

真後悔當時沒掉下眼淚
故作堅強
無能流出的淚水
現在變成了一個大大遺憾
像幽魂一樣的負在我的肉體上
慢慢的折騰, 虐待
至到今天
我終於明白
為何要苦苦的等待...
其實, 就只因為愛.

這個星期
無意間聽到了這首歌
這歌對我來說
是個在適合不過的催淚曲
只是想你聽聽看
想知道你聽後的感慨是否會跟我的一樣

最後
我想謝謝你
雖然我心口的這一刀不只何時痊癒
但是我想讓你知道
那天...
當我們在那分叉路口時...
不只有你在掉淚,
我的心也在滴血...

祝你永遠幸福
靜慧上

11232211

引用至林宥嘉:
"懷念, 是有了改變以後才開始萌芽的東西."

此靈感開了腦中的鎖
感慨感謝如流水湧出
但從中的情感卻死死的,
停在未熟練的文筆下.




滿身的思念
就在今晚成了道道傷疤
時間未成我的解藥
反在流失中迴割我冰冷的肉體

你捉住了我的把柄
把我的思念緊釦在你的腳底
已經無法兌換的愛情
過期的彩卷
卻還在我的心房裡

日夜無視我的存在
只把你捧在心懷
我的世界唯你獨尊
任你隨意揮散

意識脫離了現實
在有你的夢中繼續徘徊
終於溶化在你愛我的虛構里
宣布了今晚的戰敗

右下角的框框不見你的名字
手機未顯示你的來電
我還會等
我會守夜的等

今晚.

2 度.
月亮.

今晚.
一人.

音樂.
婉轉.
入神.

靈感.
懷念.
影子.

To give thanks.

首先, 祝你們感恩節快樂.
請記得感恩.


記得你們的父母
記得你們的外婆外公
記得你們的老師, 朋友, 現在, 過去, 和未來.


今年的感恩節沒比以往的特別
從小就沒有慶祝感恩節的習慣
其中的習俗我也一竅不通
火雞, 紅梅漿, 馬鈴薯... 私は知らない


當身邊的朋友們興奮得討論著彼此的感恩計畫
我只能乖乖的在旁邊聽著.
"我真希望媽不要把這次的聚餐給砸了"
"上次的火雞真的太硬了"
四個人的對話根本沒我的份.


"嘿, 你週末會回家嗎?"
美國的大學生幾乎都不跟父母一起住了
不是住在宿舍里, 就是和朋友同居, 一起租房子.
感恩節的時候都會回家和家人一起慶祝
大多都住離奧斯丁不到200英里的都市里
Houston, San Antonio, Dallas
要到那, 開車不到3 小時就能到的了
但我家在台北, 飛來回一次就要一千美金. 說實在的, 我沒那個錢.
而且光飛去台北就得在飛機上待20, 30 個小時
本不會暈機的, 最後也會被經驗給培養出來了


感恩節似乎對外國人有著深厚的意思
應該說, 是一個飲水思源, 請求原諒的季節
四天的好假期, 已經過了兩天了
也不知道我這兩天都做些了什麼

有的時候,
我想..
如果我是個外國人
有了不同於現在的生活,
不同的性格, 朋友, 過去, 未來
我也會跟現在一樣, 想著同樣的問題嗎?


...... おそらく
哈

stepping out of the square bagel

i've been noticing alot these days
the insufficiency of my language skills
to paint out pictures I've seen and resolve them into pixels of words small enough to provide a vivid and high-def mental image even for myself.

so i guess it's time for me to find ways to suffice what i hope to suffice,
an enormous appetite for reservoirs,
reservoirs of expression methods.
maybe sketching, writing, singing.
maybe, just maybe.

there's so much more to work on,
the area of self-improvement in my context.
manners, appearance, shape, size, language, expression, socials.
so much more to work on.

keep on pushing myself will be the best way to go around this huge mountain of hurdles i've set for myself... i guess. Most probably, biting on is the only way to boost self-esteem. (:

sometimes i wonder if i'm too strict with myself,
just forcing my own head into tubs of water and hoping that i'll drown in stress without any pain.
suicidal in a sense maybe,
but i'm glad it's figurative.

today I've learnt something new about myself,
from HDF Child development as usual.
Adolescents have a tendency to believe in a possession of invincibility.
"If you can do it, so can I"
And oh yes, that is exactly the sentence that spin round and round in my head all night long.
invincible, you say, i'll rather describe that as shameless.
haha, an adolescent, aren't I?
I'm expected to behave that way. (:

I'll get myself started in search for sketching guides.
"Sketching for idiots".... Search.
Luck.

one more step forward

with the knowledge of equilibrium in mind,

knowing that someday,
everything will reach a state of equilibrium somehow
for both the good and the bad

Just a step forward, a minute one,
the path of equilibrium starts itself, with
an entire chain of subsequent ones that follow,
like black and white dominoes on the floor, up the stairs, down the hill and along with a pulley right there

you must have known...
the previous piece hits the next one,
the cycle continues regardless if the dominoes want it or not.
a blind metaphor used i know
but if dominoes have mental abilities like the higher vertebrates,
or in other words,
if it has the ability to become a life in the first place,
will it stop the cycle at its place?

like dominoes,
nature is blind,
and only has equilibrium in mind,
but equilibrium is all that it needs to uphold elegant masterpieces of balances
balances that keep the non-balanced alive
no matter where and in what state

but....
before news about the importance of this equilibrium could be found
from anywhere in or out of the present universe
the equilibrium has suffered from silent diseases that creep in on their tippy toes,
like cancer, colon cancer
or maybe Huntington's disease,
when you know it only when it signals nothing but the inevitable approach of terminal

and....
it has started,
with such a hard and heavy note,
to tumble in front of many eyes that see but not preceive,
to topple right on people at corners of the world oblivious to the heads
that look upwards to the only piece of blue sky above,
and to start the path mentioned just now,
the path to equilibrium that knocks off those surviving at the end of the chain, delicatedly deviced to adapt to the setup at initial balance

i mean...
when nature wants things to go,
i don't think it wants to turn back
it's mean and nice at the same time,
once supporting everything downstream
now taking bits and pieces away with its tail tracing behind smokes of fires and trucks of trees

maybe...
prayers will work
or emotional cries shall awaken someone,
superman?
batman?
any one who can save?

i don't know...
i'm all confused right now.
maybe the numbers aren't right,
maybe the copying machines have gone wrong,
or maybe the instruments went uncalibrated before research data is collected in massive amounts
i can curse and spit,
cry and return cursing again
but i don't know when it will be my turn dragged by that trailing tail of falling nature

i don't know...
if there's an emotion inside somewhere
that pushes everything aside
to wipe your mind and eyes
sharpen them for the most alerting news of the year

if there is,
please look

if there isn't,
i hope there's something that can make you look

look,
nature is falling
and it's falling on you.
i know it's going to hurt,
but i know there's nowhere to hide.
what are you going to do when there's nothing you can do?





from the initial setup that we have always been habituated to,
all it requires is one more step forward,
another step that can spark the igniting cannon.
and there it goes, like dominoes,
huntington's, or colon cancer.

now...
you lit it, didnt you?
i know i didn't, so it must be you!
no i didn't
no i didn't
no i didn't....
or did i?